If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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