i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
