i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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