I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize