How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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