i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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