Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
