you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
