No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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