Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
