you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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