just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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