sorry about calling you the devil all night.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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