Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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