You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
