I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
