Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
