i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
