He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
