So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
