ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Sorry my hands just texted you
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize