She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
