I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
