shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
