so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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