Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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