I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
