why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
