If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
