felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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