I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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