dude i'm inner monologue high
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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