What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize