Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Apparently you make a good broom.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Randomize
