Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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