If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
