Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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