I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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