what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
