apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
