he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
