i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
