paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
