Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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