Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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