I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
