Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
