he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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