she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
