worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
