Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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