I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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