We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
