I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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