I think this baby is eyeing my beer
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize