Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
