this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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