I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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