Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
