do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
